I pity myself

20 04 2007

I don’t want to write anything today and I dont really have anything substantial to write here. But I have to blabber somewhere maudlinly. Since few days, I have been feeling very helpless and hapless for the things I cant really avoid. It is sort of like you have been captured by numerous visible and invisible things that neither you can break them nor you can compromise nor survive with. During last 2 months, I was having talks with my friends about our lives and stuffs. Including me, everybody is having problems and issues and we all can’t help ourselves proceeding with and surviving peacefully with them. This noise, this chaos exists for absolutely no reasons, it just exists because it probably has to. I know that it has to be changed and its quite doable, but it seems that I can’t do anything, neither for me nor for my friends nor for any living or non-living entity. Last night, my colleague showed the profile of Minal Panchal, the Indian student who shot dead in Virginia Tech 2 days before, on a social networking website. I saw her face, her profile, the simple things like I have written about myself, testimonials written for the girl, and other things…I felt like it was me who actually received the bullets..really, she was just looking like me for that moment. Returning home, Linkin Park was screaming to call the mercy in the world for God-knows-what reasons. Mercy…for what and for whom?? For the people, who live on the basis of hatred, jealousy, anger, ego, sex, etc, etc and destroy each other for the same? For the people, who think that the life is just about growing on the lives of others…killing souls and humanity every second? Mercy for what? Massacres are required here…but, we won’t bring it even…’coz we cant satisfy ourselves by finishing the game in one shot..we need to do it all the time because it’s the only thing that we do and it is the thing that keeps us alive. They told me that you can’t be successful in the business if you are not a crook..the better you learn to thrash others, the sooner you grow. I was always taught that rapid growth comes at the cost of something..err…someone. All right. Then why to grow! If I kill someone for the reason of keeping myself alive, then would I preserve any reason to stay alive? And why shouldn’t I pity myself when I am so helpless to do anything to make a better world to live?

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15 01 2007

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Feeling Awesome

3 06 2006

Although there is no any specific and excellent reason, I’m feeling happy these days. Things seem to be awesome now. The problems and troubles are still the same, still no greatest achievements, no miracles, and even no jackpot. Actually, it’s the state of my mind that is now being managed by my heart. That’s the reason, perhaps, my basic instinct and character have started taking their growing state. When I look back, I feel that I’ve lost them somewhere in the path I’ve traversed last months… and when I saw the inkling of their apperance(may be pseudo..or foggy), I decicded to welcome them…very optimistically, heartily, and strangely too. I’m neither afraid of anything (like, future, money, life, career, etc) nor centric towards anything (love, success) now. Though this is not a complete state, rather its just a tiny part of that I have had. But, as they say, the desire is somewhat more important that getting something completely. I admit that I was loosing several things for getting my desires. It’s was not a sin, nevertheless, I realize now that it was not the absolute and correct way. Midst of sky, I watched stars and I watch holes in the corner of my house. It looked strange and scared me. I didn’t know that how to start laughing again. And then, few rays of hopes arrived and they cleared the darkness and the mist and then came something filled with energy. I can imagine about the advantages (hehe…stared looking for business, even here). It is possible that I won’t feel sadness when I become failure when the rays of hope depart or I don’t get (desires/dreams) what I’m hoping/expecting for… if the reason is not this momentum, then it must be the trials and the sadness and the struggles I’m coming through…and they are still alive…but I don’t care abt their existence at all..

“To do what you like is FREEDOM
To like what you do is HAPPINESS”




There is no limit

2 06 2006

Yesterday morning, I got bored from work and I started searching some interviews and speeches by Steve Jobs. I found many and I posted one of them here. Just after, I got back to work. When I returned to my home after working for 10 hours and traveling in bus for 3 hours….I lost any courage to work at home for DreamWorkers’ clients. But I worked for 3 hours again coz I had to. Later, I thought about reading stuffs related to Steve. I read the speech again and thereafter, few more articles and interviews and speeches. I don’t want to make any comments on his life and works. But, I don’t know why, it led to ejaculate some very strange feelings within my heart. I read his statements when he was fired from Apple. Few of his words were like this– “You’ve probably had somebody punch you in the stomach and it knocks the wind out you and you cannot breathe. The harder you try to breathe, the more you cannot breathe. And you know that the only thing you can do is just relax so you can start breathing again.”

In fact, I cried when I read his response at that moment. He said — How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, does it seem possible? But, it happened. He spent days bicycling along the beach, feeling sad and lost, toured Paris, and journeyed on to Italy. I don’t know how it feels like and I can never afford to accept it in my life. I mean, u got screwed in your childhood, u dropped out in your young age, u sold all ur luxury stuffs, and struggled to create a milestone….and still, u got succeeded. And one day, u found out that u r not the part of your own creation, you have no acquaintance with your own child. Can anything be more disastrous than this? I guess, no! And in later years, u revitalized yourself (how he did it, only he knows) and created NeXT, Pixar, iPod, iTunes, and numerous other revolutions. Whew! I failed to imagine.

Sometimes in our lives, we feel like dying and we start being still. In fact, it’s quite strange coz it’s not even the feeling of death..well, leave the holy experience behind. We find it hard to survive from very little debacles. Our tears eventually dissolve the trail what we have left behind us. We all carry out the moments of trials and traumas…..still, few have made it. There are lots of stories like this and everyone has done it in own ways. There is no standard that can lead you there. You have to have the calling and the courage. You have to call your soul to produce all its spirits. And still, it is as vital as the death that anyone can do it, anytime, anywhere, under any circumstances. Everything depends upon the dawn and rise of the light within our souls.

Steve had described it quite better that we have to learn to connect the dots. And eventually, each moment from our pasts carries a dot. We just need to take references from our own lives and these dots will make a highway that we have never imagined for…like a miracle and like a adventure. Stay foolish and stay hunger, isn’t it?





Love

3 03 2006

Love is beautiful.

If you love a person, you accept the total person with all its defects, because those defects are a part of the person. Love never tries to change the other, but it changes tremendously. If you can love, that will bring a revolution; it brings the revolution that even the footsteps are not heard. Nobody ever becomes alert to what is hapening – everything happens so silently, just as the buds open and flower and no noise is heard. Never try to change a person you love, because the very effort to change says that you love half, and the other half of the person is not accepted – that is the meaning of trying to change, that you say…. I love you but no the way you speak, or I love you but I don’t love your nose. But do we do that?

If we love, we simply love. If love brings change, its okay. If it doesn’t bring change, that’s also okay…..





The Last Game

10 12 2005

Well, is it all what I wanted or should I better deprive myself of hope, what is all, almost, I do have? The time is running more faster, and the things are moving slower than ever, or say not moving at all, this is just the hope, quite useless, what is creating a fake aura. If it still goes in this similar way, I’ll be stuck without any quotient. It must be over now, what the hell is glaring behind everything? This is more than two years and everything is still. And even, in the comparison with the time, I’m moving backwards. Another thing, why I’m not letting things be stopped? What’s next? Waiting for the saturation level(to kill me) or this is the omen hinting that the world will be conquered soon, ha! Can anyone tell me that what should I wait for? Where should I run and what should I leave behind? What will I get at the very end – is there anything, anyone or whatever?

Too much questions and no answers at all. Who cares? Did I ever? Let me run my last marathon. Either I’ll win or I’ll get tired. Getting is more crucial and I guess I’ll have either of them (win/lose) in the end.

Run… Run for all and run from all. That’s called life.





Dream of many desires

11 11 2005

We graduated

This is a poetry. I had written this when I had finished my graduation and gone my college last night. That day, we all batchmates met for the last time and wished each other for the better future. That was the last day, when we all were together. At the midnight, I wrote few words. These words are still precious and I’m blogging them at the request of one of my Internet friends. Here it is……..

This is what I wanted and this also is what I never wanted to be happened. This is like holding closer and letting it break apart. Like you felt that few drops of color fall down in milk and you can never decide that whether it seems beautiful or simply a disaster. The flashbacks start again and you suddenly see that mistaken identities ar lost again. We suddenly regret for the moments when we had considered that the lights never bring dark. Later, we start doing regrets for almost everything. At the mean time, the second spell will start and we’ll start compressing everything happened earlier. Time goes, and our abilities improve, and this lets the moments to be compressed more and more. Time will win the game again and we can’t do anything but watch it carelessly.

I had ever wanted to walk under the snowfall, or in the rain beside the maple trees, covered by the mist under dim light, alone. The rains, snowfalls, and mists will start acquiring their fates every year from now and I’ll start dreaming again and forever. I may not dream for the things but I may be dreaming for “the dreams that should come true”. We’ll play the melodious tune back and watch the snow melting every seconds, outside our dens again. Perhaps, they’ll abuse you in the flashback and you just can cry for everything. The identities will be dissolved in the tears and you’ll watch the snowfall, again, undecided, carelessly. You’ll walk in the rain beside the trees but listen no footsteps behind you, the footsteps that have promised to guide you all along, however, they even won’t follow you. The rain wiil be continued and you’ll keep walking, like a helter-skelter, holding your hands yourself. And the trees will sing that “returning home is not always precious”, mocking on you. You may laugh or throw smiles on them, or let your tears dissolve in the rain, again.